Vulnerability.
It’s the thing I’ve spent my whole life avoiding, which has made me really good at appearing like I’ve got it all together. When I was in deep grief about a recent breakup, quietly crying myself to sleep every night, my roommate commented, “Wow, I’m impressed with how well you’re doing – I know I don’t have to worry about you!” At first, I was shocked that this was her impression, but then I remembered my tendency to hide my pain. It’s become second nature – I had no awareness I was doing it.
I used this information to remind myself to reach out to people, to let them know that despite my confident disposition, I was deeply hurting inside. I informed my friends about the grief, and I alerted my co-workers when I needed an empty room to cry for 20 minutes in the middle of the workday. I called my therapist in between sessions, and I broke down in front of my supervisor for the first time ever.
Each time I opened up to someone, I was met with open arms, and I found it deepened the relationship and gave the other person permission to open up more, too. And I realized that I didn’t need to be alone in my pain. Other people were willing to hear it, to feel it, and to offer support as I went through it.
I plan to keep up this whole vulnerability (eewww) thing. Not just with my close friends, but with all of you. I commit to posting more Therapist Confessions (ack!), to stretch my comfort level, get real, and show up. Prepare yourselves!
