One of my clients recently expressed fear of allowing herself to feel her emotions. Her concerns: What if she couldn’t shut them down? What if they took over and kept her from being productive and doing her job?
I’ve heard this fear from other clients, too, and I’ve even felt it myself – the fear of losing control if you allow for emotions. What I’ve realized is that when I block off emotion completely, it actually controls me more. It’s like a boiling pot of soup; if you don’t take off the top and let the steam out, it’ll bubble over and make a mess. If you do let it out, though, it settles. Similarly, when I hold in my emotions, they come out sideways onto other people or they burst out at inopportune moments. When I let myself feel, they move and flow and then release. I actually have more control to show up in the ways I want when I let these emotions do their thing.
Ironically, the very moment my client was asking this question, I was in the midst of emotional turmoil. If you read my last post, you know that I recently went through a tough breakup. This conversation was happening in the midst of my grief, when I was crying multiple times a day in the few minutes I had between sessions. What I found was that when I allowed myself to cry, I was quite easily able to stop the tears when it was time to get ready for a session and put my own emotions aside to fully show up for my clients. After each session, I allowed the grief back in, spent a few minutes crying, and then pulled myself back together again for my next client.
Instead of feeling controlled by my emotions, I felt liberated! Allowing the tears to come out when I had some time to myself enabled me to put them aside and show up when I needed to be a therapist. Having my emotions so close to me also made a better therapist – I found myself feeling more empathy for my clients and generally closer to them.
I still share the same worries my client expressed, afraid that my emotions will overtake me and I’ll turn into a useless puddle instead a contributing member of society. Each time I let my emotions in, however, that belief gets weaker and weaker. As I allow all parts of my experience to be present, I end up feeling less controlled and more empowered.
